Keep On Keeping On...

I have one word to describe how I've been feeling lately – antsy. You know that restless, impatient and fidgety feeling.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs – WHY DOES THIS WAIT HAVE TO BE SO F****** TORTUOUS!

(I have a few other choice words I could throw out there as well)

And the worst part about it – is that we are only into our sixth month of waiting. How the H-E-double-hockey-stick am I going to hold out for the next 20 or so months? Really, how are other prospective adoptive parents doing it? I would love to know.

I mean, there are certainly things to distract me from constantly thinking about when, and if I will ever become a mom, like work, dinners out in the city, cooking tapas for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon with my husband, rowing at 6:00 in the morning when the steam is coming off the lake, my family and of course my very supportive friends.

But honestly, is that enough to hold me over – to keep me sane?

I know people have all kinds of advice about how you can make the time go by faster, like training for a marathon or learning a new language. Those sound great. They really do. But at this point, I don't think I am  feeling "Zen" enough to engage in those very productive activities. I guess I am feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe because it's been raining like mad for the past 12 hours and I am really overtired lately… and cranky.

We actually have a scheduled call with one of the managers who runs the domestic program at our agency tomorrow morning – and while it sounds so appealing to spend a minimum of $30,000 (plus all the other potential expenses) and have a baby come into our home many, many months sooner than sticking it out in the Ethiopia program – I just can't seem to wrap my head or my heart around that.

It makes my stomach hurt. Not adopting domestically. I think that's an absolutely wonderful thing. I just mean choosing one or the other.

So what to do?????

Maybe I'll take some advice from one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs...

"The only thing I knew how to do

Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew

Tangled up in blue."

A Glimmer of Hope...

Interesting news from our agency this week. It seems staff members in Ethiopia have expanded their horizons and are now researching the needs of children in the Afar region, which is in the northeastern part of the country.

The Afar region of Ethiopia

Of course I immediately emailed our case worker and asked her about this new development and she said “we are hopeful that it will mean more referrals coming soon. And we haven’t seen any major issues with MOWA (Ministry Office of Women’s Affairs) at this point, despite all the rumors of doom and gloom.”

Finally… a little bit of good news.

I did a little digging around about this region – and it seems like an absolutely fascinating place.


One British tourist, who spent his vacation checking out the one-of-a-kind landscape dotted with surreal salt plains and volcanoes, described it like this:

“It's a harsh environment full of strange smells and sights. But it's like nowhere else and an amazing and different thing to see. The whole place is made up of colors and views you get to see on a scale like nowhere else. The heat can be almost unbearable. But it was all worth it.”

You never know… maybe Ken and I will be making a trek there someday in the near future.

Dallol Volcano

Photograph by Carsten Peter

Sulfur, salt, and other minerals color the crater of Dallol, a volcano in the hottest place on Earth, Ethiopia's Danakil Depression. At 157 feet below sea level, Dallol is also the world's lowest land volcano.

'Persevere and Never Give Up'

Once a week I get a Google alert about ‘Ethiopia’ and ‘Ethiopia adoption’. This week, it popped up on the blackberry as I was walking into work, and the first article that I saw was from the Huffington Post called “Accelerating Progress to Help the World’s Orphans.” I clicked on the link and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was a blog entry written by Dr. Jane Aronson, who ‘s the founder of Worldwide Orphans Foundation. She’s also been a practicing adoption medicine specialist for nearly 20 years (but I believe she just left her pediatric practice in NYC to concentrate more on the foundation).

Ken and I actually met with her at the beginning of our adoption process to talk about different options and what types of challenges we’d face going the international route. She’s a smart, no nonsense kind of woman that you immediately trust. It’s the same feeling I used to get when I watched Peter Jennings on ABC World News Tonight. You just trusted every word that came out of his mouth. I had also previously interviewed her for an article for FoxNews.com shortly after the Haiti earthquake hit to talk about all the uphill battles the Haitian orphans were going to face moving forward in the wake of that devastating disaster. So we were peeps (not really, but at least in my mind we were… a little bit)

So – I just wanted to share her blog with all of you. She gets right to the heart of what’s happening in the world of international adoption, and as my husband put it:

“You can hear the sadness from the lack of movement by the governments. It seems like no one really cares enough – at least on a government level –  about the children to take action. Humanity is spoken about more than performed.”


Journal from the field #4, June 2, 2011
Dr. Aronson in Bulgaria, May 28-June 2, 2011


After a week of meetings dedicated to interim care planning, foster care, group homes and domestic adoption in Ethiopia and Africa, followed by a week of meetings with government officials in charge of the future of orphans and vulnerable children in Bulgaria, I am reminded painfully of how children essentially can end up lost in rhetoric and good intentions. Agencies are well-meaning, but slow-moving and bureaucratic. Funding is scarce in impoverished countries where millions of orphans are stuck in limbo... down the cracks and lost and anonymous.


Three thousand children enter Bulgarian orphanages every year because there is no change in culture. Roma women have no education and access to family planning and gender issues for Roma women are paralyzing. Women who have five and six children may be left by their husband, and fathers and brothers may decide to place those children in orphanages so that the mother/wife can remarry. There is no prenatal care for poor women in Bulgaria. 


There is no support of breastfeeding. The stigma attached to being Roma looms large in Bulgaria and many Eastern European countries with large numbers of gypsies. Everyone knows why there is abandonment, and now is the time to try and prevent it and provide social services and education to impoverished women around the world. Then and only then will children be helped.


I am proud of the work of WWO, but am troubled by slow progress and increasing numbers of orphanages and orphans, as we crawl to solve the problems of millions of children living without families all over the world. The U.S., world governments, aid organizations and NGOs are all poised to make a difference, but there is confusion and a lack of strategy. There is often competition when there should be none. We can all have a role and we all bring different solutions and skills to the table.


My role and the role of WWO in the politics of orphans and vulnerable children (OVC) are clear. I am fortunate to be a pediatrician and a former teacher of young children. I know the science of early childhood development and have experienced over two decades of observation and medical care of orphans who have been lucky enough to become part of a permanent family through international and domestic adoption. There are no more lessons to be learned. The work is clear. It is time to move faster and smarter and money will finally be the important part of the equation. I told many people this week that WWO is not asking for money when we meet with governments and other organizations. We bring creative ideas and money to the discussion and we are eager to make things happen.


We are able to raise awareness and WWO is designed to move the agenda forward. That is our niche. We must stand for action now. It is a lonely fight sometimes, but the cost to children is too high to back off and take easy ways out.


I am reminded of the delicate and simple truth about orphans when I meet them face to face. Stanislav is a year of age and he is puny and frightened. He is a little creature not able to look at you for too long. He becomes uncomfortable and skittish when I gently touch him and sit by him quietly. He starts to rock rhythmically and as the rocking speeds up, he looks furtively for his Baba. She comes and picks him up and he nestles in her bosom and then in a moment smiles at her and feels safe. He is an unregulated animal with no inner soothing skills. He is in a "fight or flight" mode and his Baba


On my long trip home yesterday, I decided to watch a movie and found a wonderful film that made me cry and laugh, but more importantly it inspired me to keep working and advocating for children. The movie, which was recently nominated at Cannes, is called "Lessons of a Dream." This German film, directed by Sebastian Grobler, is a based on a true story about Konrad Koch, an Oxford-educated English teacher who was hired by a German secondary school to teach the German boys English in 1874, when Bismarck and Germany ruled the world. Konrad Koch, a visionary teacher, ends up using football (soccer), which was well-established in England, to teach the boys English and sportsmanship. He, of course, gets into a lot of trouble with parents, administrators and other teachers as he advances his progressive curriculum. The boys become egalitarian and learn the value of "fair play," which is Konrad's highest priority.


Konrad is eventually fired, but then through some miracle, a government delegation arrives to assess the value of football, and at the same time a friend of Konrad's from the UK brings a football team to play Konrad's boys. The village gathers and attends the game. The German team wins the match, and the German government delegation supports football at the school. 


Historically, it takes well into the 20th century, the late 1920s, for football to be universally accepted in Germany. The story is beautifully acted by the boys and I was inspired by Konrad Koch's fight for fair play, creative teaching and the use of sports as a dynamic way to build character, self-esteem and independence in youngsters. Indeed, this is the brand of WWO in its work with children without families or with fragmented families around the world. The courage of the boys and their teacher was remarkable and I was reminded, once again, how courageous our work is finally. We stand for principles and we persevere and never give up.


And even though thoughts of giving up on this adoption process creep into my mind on occasion – because maybe if we did give up –  all this pain, frustration and heartache would just go away – I am not going to do that. Instead I’m going to take Dr. Aronson’s advice… to persevere and never give up.

The Sweet Little Things in Between

Little Logan

How nice was it to have an extra-long weekend. That buffer day was amazing. I wish three-day weekends were a regular occurrence. 


Ken and I spent ours driving up to Boston to see our new nephew, Logan Jacob Milton Kelepouris, who was born Friday May 27, 2011 at 10:25 PM. He’s an armful weighing almost 9 Pounds – and is incredibly cute.

He’s baby No. 3 for my sister-in-law and best friend since 7th grade – Katie.

Just thinking of having three little kiddos 5 and under makes my head hurt. Seriously, God bless her.

I think I could handle two – tops.


On the other hand, I am really looking forward to the chaos of having kids. Maybe not the temper tantrums at the grocery store (where everyone is staring at you to get your kid under control), or the never-ending ‘I don’t want to go to sleep’ – when all you want to do is take a hot bath, read a book and have a glass of wine... And all they want to do is watch Dora.


But all the sweet, little things in between (and I only know this from watching my two nieces Sammy and Lexi) like the pitter patter of little feet running around the house, the giggling, how they fall asleep to the rhythm of their mom or dad's heart, and their funny one-liners… especially when they repeat some swear word you said… that wasn’t meant for their ears.


I’m looking forward to it all – the good, the bad and the ugly. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

Let All the Bull**** Go!

Second day in a double!

I just got home after spending a weekend in northern Vermont – and I mean really northern – only 20 miles from the Canadian border. My friend Linda and I went up to a tiny town called Craftsbury to attend a three-day clinic at the Craftsbury Sculling Center.

And while it started off a little rocky with thunderstorms, lightning and torrential downpours (not to mention the less than friendly staff) we ended up meeting some great people – and one outstanding coach who let us in on this mantra: "Just let the minutia go, close your eyes, and just let it go..."

Of course he was referring to all the crazy, technical BS that goes along with sculling. It may look easy – but I am here to tell you that it's one of the hardest sports I have ever done.

Make sure your wrists are flat, lean back only this much, slow your slide down, open your chest, look up, and on and on and on...

If you start thinking about all these things at the same time – and try to correct these things – there is no way you can have a good row. In the end, you only feel frustration, which is how I often feel (as you all know by now) about this adoption process. I let all the minutia - all the BS details - bog me down.

I start obsessing about the wait times, if the Ethiopian program will ultimately shutdown, and where Ken and I will be left if that happens. But where does all this worrying really get me?

Right now, a nasty headache at best.

So I am going to take my coach's advice and apply it this crazy, emotional roller coaster ride otherwise known as adoption and just let it all go. 

I'm going to close my eyes... feel the water glide below the boat... and just breathe.

Maybe if I do that - the waiting won't seem so excruciating.

Our coach Ric Ricci with me and Linda

What gives meaning to your life?

I was listening to NPR the other day – which I usually do to try and distract me from my hellish commute to NYC every day – and they featured a segment called, “Making Parenthood A Reality Through IVF Grants.”
 

It was an interesting topic to me (since I had been through that god-awful process myself) so I kept it tuned to Morning Edition with Soterios Johnson (by the way – there’s one for the baby name list!)
 

To sum it up, the reality is that most insurance companies do NOT cover IVF, and as a result, many couples can’t afford the $15,000 or so that it takes to undergo the treatments.

Anyway, the story profiles a couple who couldn’t have kids on their own, and who also, didn’t have a lot of extra money to spend on these super expensive treatments. Fortunately for them – after a few failed IVF attempts and remortgaging their house –  they found an organization that offered a scholarship IVF program, and in the end, they end up having a baby boy.
 

And while this story is very positive, and it’s wonderful that this couple now has the baby they’ve always wanted, there was one quote from the woman that really struck me. She said:

 "What's the purpose of any of this… if you're not going to have your own children to try to help make the world a better place? I didn't think my life would have any real meaning."

 OK. I guess that’s one reason to have kids.

 But my thought after hearing that was… if you really want to make the world a better place… think about the millions and millions of kids out there who have no parents at all. Kids who would give anything to have a family. Kids that you could give a home to. Kids who you could love and nurture. Kids who you could help become the best people they could possibly be… and kids who you could raise to make the world a better place. What about that? Do you think that would give meaning to your life?

(getting off my soapbox now...)

I just think there comes a time, at least it did for Ken and I, when you put all that “we need to have a baby that comes from us, that looks like us, that has Ken’s nose, and my lips (because Ken doesn’t really have any) – and you move forward and say you just want to be parents and love another little human being.
 
Think about this: UNICEF, which defines an orphan as a child that has lost one or both parents, estimates that there were over 145 million orphans worldwide as of 2007.

 Now... that’s a whole bunch of kids who could give anyone’s life “real meaning.”

Some positive news...

After bitching and moaning in my last post – and believe me I could’ve bitched more – I am turning over a new leaf (at least for this week) to report on some positive news.

I just found out today that a fellow blogger and Granite Stater has just received her court date for her 19-month old daughter in Ethiopia! Amazing News. Others have also received court dates, so this definitely gives me hope that things are still moving forward… fingers crossed.

Also today, a friend of mine at work instant messaged me this morning saying this “this is kind of incredible”… which I then replied… “What is incredible!!??”

It turns out this very kind and generous man, who donates his time and energy to raise money through the AIDS Walk in NYC for medical facilities in Africa run by the organization 'Keep a Child Alive'(over $22,000 so far) just received a video message from a woman at Alive Medical Services in Uganda – thanking him for helping her and so many others.  She lost her husband to AIDS and she recently found out she was HIV positive as well.

Check out the video.

As he said, he was speechless after watching out. It just goes to show, one person can really make a difference.

In other news this week, Ken and I are still hashing out this dual application issue. Seriously, this has been a thorn in my ass (and Ken’s) for the past few weeks. Well, here’s the update. We are now looking into domestic adoption as well. But, here’s the catch --- how open are we when it comes to open adoption?

How open would you be?