Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dear Phyllis

A little over a year ago, a very dear friend of mine passed away just months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This woman was a rock for me – someone I could call no matter what it was about or what time it was. She was my sounding board and I miss her dearly. After she passed away, Ken suggested that I start writing her letters as a way to help me deal with the loss --- not only losing her physically, and what I mean by that is being able to talk to her face to face, but also dealing with the loss of that spiritual connection I had with her. Not in a religious sense at all…  I mean in the sense of “hey, this person really gets me.”

And so I did start to write her letters – and this is the first one I wrote her. It’s insanely private, but now that more than a year has passed, and with so much that has changed in that year -- I thought I’d share it.

Dear Phyllis-
It's day 5 of my second round of IVF – and I must say this time around they (the drugs) have been hitting me more than before – I am incredibly irritable... I mean BEYOND!! It wasn't this bad the first time, but I'm just trying to take it in stride. As usual - Ken is a saint. Even though I want to explode at times… he is the voice of reason. I've been thinking.... I was so devastated the first time... that I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to have any expectations.  And I mean that from a perspective of someone who has already gone through this process and from a perspective of someone who doesn't want to feel that pain of disappointment and loss again -- even though I'm strong enough to take it again. I know Ken is a little weary of this process and even talks about not opting for a 3rd try, but I have my heart set on doing everything we can before we give up. If we didn't - I wouldn't be able to live with myself. At the end of the day, as Ken loves to say, if it doesn't work out – we can always try again – and if it doesn't work out ---- it wasn't meant to be. The scary thing is - sometimes I think God is trying to tell me something… maybe I'm not supposed to have kids. I don't know. I always thought I would be great at it…  I mean being a great mom. Only time will tell. I miss you Phyllis.  I still can't believe you are gone. Talk to you soon- a BIG hug, Karlie

It’s funny, after reading this letter over again, it’s somehow so appropriate for what Ken and I are going through right now with this adoption journey. Feelings of uncertainty... doubts if it will ever happen... and the fact that this process (just like IVF) emotionally terrorizes you. That made sound harsh, but it's true.

But as a wrote in the letter to Phyllis more than 12 months ago... “I am strong enough to take it.” And with everything currently going on in Ethiopia and deciding if we want to apply to another country… I really have to believe that I am.

Again, thank you to my friends and family for all the support. It means the world to me.

1 comment:

  1. You're researching therefore you ARE strong enough.
    I used to live in West Milford NJ for awhile, we were practically neighbors :) We would go to SugarLoaf all the time to shop and eat.
    Ok, yes, here is my e-mail address let's chat about Burundi.
    WHFC is great so I was glad to read below that you were corresponding with them!